The Regret/Guilt/Shame Analogy

Often, when people go to see a therapist for anxiety, stress, depression, substance abuse or trauma, it’s not uncommon for them to bring up feelings of regret, shame or guilt. These emotions are unique in that they apply to the past, so it can get overwhelming when you think about the prospect of never being able to undo whatever has led you to feel this way.

So what CAN be done about feeling guilt, regret or shame?

Let’s first take a look at what these emotions are meant to do for us.

Every emotion that you feel, is there to serve you in a positive way. Even emotions like anger and sadness, which get a bad rep, serve you in some positive way. Imagine a world without anger, how would you set boundaries for yourself? How would your brain know that something is unjust and that you should take a proactive action about it?

A world without sadness? How would you appreciate what it means to be happy? How would you appreciate what you have?

However, just like anything else in life, these emotions need balance. While anger and sadness are good for you, you want to make sure they’re not too consuming. Otherwise, you’d be looking at depression and anger issues.

So what about regret, shame and guilt. What do these emotions, that are focused on something that you can’t change, do for you?

These emotions, as uncomfortable as they are, are there to help inform you of a mistake that was made so that you can either make amends, or learn not to make that same mistake again. That’s it.

However, it’s very easy to let regret, shame and guilt fall out of balance and turn into self-deprecation, negative self-talk and poor self-perception. So how do you find that balance?

A question to explore that might shed some light: “after experiencing these negative emotions of regret, shame and guilt, do I believe given the opportunity, I would take the same action that led to these emotions. If the answer to this question is no, then these feelings have served their purpose and it might be time to give yourself a break. You’ve learned from the past and know now what you didn’t know before. If you have the opportunity to make amends, it might be a good idea to do so. If not, how long will you let the past version of yourself impact how the current, more knowledgeable version of yourself is feeling?

If the answer to that question is yes, or you’re unsure, then it might be time for some self-reflection. You have yourself in a catch-22; you’d make the same decision but then you’d also feel regret, shame and guilt about it. Maybe take some time to think about it or see a therapist to figure out that disconnect; there is likely something there that needs to get resolved before moving on from these feelings.

An analogy to demonstrate the point: Imagine you’re at a carnival and one of the attractions is a giant maze. Whoever completes this maze in the allotted time is rewarded with a helicopter ride over the maze, to watch the contestants after you try to make it through.

You begin the maze and struggle against the clock. With every twist and turn, you realize that you’re getting more and more disoriented. Finally, before the clock runs out, you stumble out of the exit, still unsure exactly how you managed to get out!

You’re congratulated and offered the helicopter ride to watch the next contestant from above. As soon as you settle on top of the maze, you realize how simple the maze truly was. To get out, it was simply taking the first two right turns and then a left turn; that’s it!

As you watch the next contestant make an attempt, you start to get infuriated as he takes multiple wrong turns. You start to yell from the helicopter how moronic this person is for not simply taking two right turns and a left turn to get out! It’s so obvious.

When time runs out, this contestant still hasn’t made it out of the maze, so when you meet them at the end, you start to berate them about how dumb they were for not making the right decisions at each turn. You explain that it was only two right turns and a left turn. You explain what you saw from the helicopter.

What do you think this person would respond to you? They’d probably ask you who in the world you think you are for talking to them that way. Of course you knew how to get out of the maze! You stumbled through it and then got to watch somebody else do it! But before you got into the helicopter, you were just as lost!

A perspective that might be worth considering, is that the person who made the decisions you’re feeling negatively about, didn’t get to stumble through the maze yet. They didn’t get to see what it would look or feel like on the other side. Why is it fair for the person who did make it to the other side, to talk to that person as if they should've reacted differently. In a sense, it’s like two different people. The person whose learned from the mistake and the person who hasn’t yet. One has knowledge that the other doesn’t.

The point here isn’t to say that nobody is at fault for their actions. The point here is keep in perspective what your brain is telling you when you’re feeling guilt, shame or regret. It’s telling you that you’ve grown and learned from your past and that your past doesn’t need to define you.

If dealing with your past is something that you’d like to work through with a professional, feel free to contact Philadelphia therapist, Noam Dinovitz of Dinovitz Counseling LLC below!

We offer individual, couples and family therapy at our Bala Cynwyd/Philadelphia location as well as video/phone life coaching for people all around the U.S!