The Quick Guide to Overcoming Social Anxiety
Do you hate meeting new people? Get nervous in big crowds? Why do some people seem to operate seamlessly when faced with social situations while others pretty much get the life sucked out of them?
While there’s the natural tendency that some people have to be an introvert rather than an extrovert, there’s a fine line between personality type and the often crippling anxiety that comes into play for some people.
The good news is that social anxiety IS addressable and tons of people who put in the work have seen results!
Here are some steps to take that might help you feel a little more comfortable in social settings.
Step 1: Challenge your insecurities
Take a couple of minutes to think about the actual, tangible thoughts that might be running through your head when you’re faced with meeting new people or stuck in a large crowd. You know that you’re uncomfortable - but why? It is rare to have somebody who has a high comfort level with themselves identify that they struggle with social anxiety - chances are there are some insecurities that need some assessing.
When bringing this up with clients, one of the most common concerns I hear is that they’re concerned about how they’re coming across to other people or that they may say something stupid. While we all care to some extent about how we’re perceived by others, people with social anxiety allow these concerns to limit their ability to be themselves and feel comfortable.
To this there are a couple of thoughts to ponder:
When’s the last time you spent time thinking about something stupid somebody else said or did? Chances are that it’s been a minute, so why is it fair to assume others are spending time thinking about you? In the nicest way possible and with all due respect you’re not that important.
If the answer to that question is that you do in fact spend time thinking about other people’s mistakes, then it might be time to check yourself! It would only be fair to assume that since you’re taking time out of your day to think about other people’s mistakes, that others are doing the same (your next step is figuring out why your spending your time thinking about other people’s mistakes!)Let’s say there is somebody who actually is judging you or thinking about a mistake you made, why isn’t that their problem, why is that something you should worry about? Really try to answer that question, why should it make a difference to you what other people think? (try not to answer “I know it shouldn’t bother me”, really think about why it should bother you). We all want people to like us, but why worry about the minority of people who have the character flaw of being judgemental?
Step 2: Practice
Exposure to interaction and meeting new people is an incredibly powerful tool to getting more comfortable in social situations. It’s like anything else in life, the more you practice, the more comfortable you get. One unconventional intervention I’ve done with clients is to have them go to www.meetup.com in an area some distance from where they live. They would sign up for random events and practice saying whatever comes to their mind first without thinking about it (see the “One Filter Method” below). While practicing is initially uncomfortable, you might be surprised how quickly you can overcome any anxiety about meeting new people when you actually practice.
One visual exercise that could be helpful is the “One Filter Method”. The OFM is based off of the understanding that before we speak, we have a double filter. The first filter is to gauge whether or not what we are about to say is unequivocally too outrageous to say out loud. This is our brain’s way of filtering those impulsive, initial thoughts that we all have as people but know not to say. The second filter is what we do to gauge how what we say fits into the context of the conversation and the consideration of how it might be perceived. People with social anxiety tend to let this filter do too good of a job.
The exercise is to simply go into a social situation and visually imagine yourself only using the first filter; eliminate the second filter. Like anything else, this takes practice but the more comfortable you get without the second filter, the less you may find yourself overthinking about other people’s perception of you.
Taking these tools and thoughts into consideration (and practicing!) can help you build the foundation for the process of starting to feel like yourself in social situations.