Good Enough for Who?

Whether it be somebody coming in for anxiety, depression, substance abuse or trauma, a common theme found throughout therapy and counseling is the expression of “not being good enough”.

Self-esteem and self-perception both seem to be a rampant issue in today’s mental health arena, and this is due to a plethora of influences, but what can be done about it?

While there may be a multitude of factors playing a role in why somebody is struggling with self-esteem and thoughts of not being good enough, one surprisingly simple question that can help facilitate further exploration is “I’m not good enough for who”. What’s the standard in which you gauge whether you’re worth it, is it a friend’s standard? A family member? An expectation you have for yourself? Where are you pulling this concept that you lack worth?

Would it not be fair to say that if you can’t answer this question then you’re not being fair to yourself? Let’s say for example you wanted to get into a graduate school program that requires a GPA of 3.5. However, despite your efforts you couldn’t meet those criteria. Then logic would dictate that there’s a standard that’s not being met and your grades objectively are not good enough! That’s just the reality.

But when it comes judging your self-worth, where is this line being drawn? Without a definite answer aren’t you setting yourself up for failure? The parallel would be applying to a graduate program of which you have no idea what the minimum GPA requirement is. How are you supposed to feel good about your chances of getting in when there’s no fair gauge?

The hope is that in following this line of thinking, you recognize that a subjective standard of being “good enough” is virtually impossible to set; but it’s a maladaptive thought process many people tend to subscribe to. However, giving yourself the chance to challenge this perception may open the door to getting a better understanding of why you perceive yourself the way you do.

Another suggested method of figuring out where your perception is coming from is taking a second to think about whether you would hold a friend to the same standard. Think about anybody in your life and put them in your circumstances, would you look at them the same way you look at yourself? If you struggle to identify your self-worth or have a negative self-perception, chances are you would NOT.

So, while self-esteem can be a complex issue to explore that might require the help of a therapist – these two prompts might help you get the ball rolling in getting a better understanding into yourself and starting the process of looking at yourself in a better light.

Once you can better identify what it is you’re not loving about yourself, a helpful intervention can be challenging the evidence. Sure, you can identify why you feel the way you do, but how accurate is this thinking? Take some time to write down everything you don’t like about yourself, as counter-intuitive as that may seem, make a second column that challenges this list.

Once you split the emotional thinking from the logical thinking, you might be surprised at how highly you really think about yourself.